Has it come to this
I have read OLS latest post about the Anonymous lawyer and I also saw a book about the first years as a young attorney. They all seem to talk about the despair, the turmoil, the sadness that strikes our profession. As a young attorney with almost a years experience, I ask really? I love my job and for professional reasons won’t blog about it, but I can’t seem to understand why as a profession we are filled with so many unhappy people. The question is then, what will make lawyers happy. Is it money? I don’t know. Does money buy happiness. I have heard about people who have money but aren’t happy. I have overheard young associates who make almost 100K bemoan of their unhappiness at work. It seems that the higher up you go in terms of salary for a young associate, the less likely you are going to be happy at work. This seems disconnected. It seems that these associates don’t actually get to practice law as it seems that they get to serve in some admin position. I don’t know what can make people happy. I have read and taken notes on “What about the Big Stuff”. The Author goes into great detail about the psychology and self talk necessary to live a more fulfilling life. In the book the emphasis is on finding internal happiness. This search for internal happiness is often overlooked in lawschool. We are taught in school that if you get a certain rank, a certain clerkship, a certain job in a certain firm, then you will be happy. I don’t know about that. If you are unhappy in your clerkship what then. If you are unhappy most of the time regardless of the circumstances what does that mean. I myself strive to be happy regardless of whether or not the circumstances merit such happiness. Yes it would be nice if life coincides with your happiness. For instances, if you are happy and your debts are paid and if you are in a great relationship then that makes perfect sense. It makes less sense if you are happy but still in debt and still searching for someone to share your life with. I attempt to be happy or to have a positive attitude regardless. Yes at times it is trying. Yes I wish my circumstances in life would coincide with my happiness.
So that brings me back to my original question. How does one explain a person who works at the great firm who gets paid a lot of money and still is not happy. Maybe it does all depend on internal circumstances. It is the self talk. It is quit easy to say that I am unhappy because I don’t have X. As if by having X everything will be happy.
I struggle with this concept almost daily. I want to be happy and focus on those things that make me happy. I try to tell myself that the absence of X is of no consequence. Or that in time X will be achieved. As I mentioned before, I have no patience. I want things now. That is true with my house. I want the brass switch plates, I want the washer to work, I want a new bathroom. As if these simple things will magically make me happy. Or in relationships. It is of course my goal to be in a healthy, life enhancing, fun relationship with the person of my choice and who I find attractive. If I had that would I be happy. Since that is not yet here. I guess the best thing to do is to be happy so that when the relationship happens, I will be happy. I guess I have to be happy now so that I can be happy then. So what can we lawyers do to be happy. Recognize that happiness comes from within. Not the external circumstances surrounding our daily life. Counterintuitive no.
Why Odell is an idiot
Odell is an idiot because he has tremendous talent and got caught up with the cronic. That being said, I hope Odell gets help. I hope he doesn’t through away his talent because of drugs. I believe that there is something about Odell that we don’t know. I think there is some hidden demon that he is struggling with that is keeping him back from his full potential. Having been dealing with demons myself, it is not surprising that he is feeling pressure on all sides. I hope he gets better. I think he can be quit the player some day.
Dead Terrorist
Well since my last post the middle east has explode. The Israelis have invaded or bombed Lebanon in an attempt to rescue a kid napped solider. The solider was kid napped by the forces of Hezbolla . These are a bunch of thugs which disguise themselves as followers of Allah. Of course, Allah does not support thugs and so how could they consider themselves followers of Allah. The world seems dived on this issue. Primarily because they thugs hide out in residential neighborhoods and use them as shields for their missles which surprisingly are fired into residential neighborhoods in Israel. Not so surprising is the Israel getting tired of this stuff. Hezbolla basically rules southern Lebanon, which before the civil war, was allegedly a great place to live. Now it is controlled by thugs and the Israelis are the only country with the balls to kick the living crap out of them. I hope the Israel hunt down and eliminate every thug they come across. It is unfortunate that many innocent civilians, thirty-six children died today, suffer because of these thugs. I wonder if the world would gasp and call for a cease fire when terrorist kill innocent children. I don’t hear the calls for a cease fire when some idiot with a bomb blows up a mosque or police station in Iraq. The media, the European Powers, anti-war protestors don’t understand that the thugs and terrorist will kill and continue to kill regardless of what the US does or doesn’t do. They are like gas prices, they do what they want regardless of the consequences or what common sense dictates. As I always say, dead terrorists don’t kill people.
Guess who’s back
Yes, it has been a wile. Yes it is true that he cool of Fall turned to towards the cold of winter, the warmth of spring, and now the heat of summer. I have been away for so long. Why. While, I bought a house, moved into the house, and now struggle with the task and travails of a homeowner. I have already had the air go out and now I am in the midst of turmoil over the washing machine. I am also deeply engaged in a war with clover. That insidious foe which creeps into my garden to smother my pretty hostas and day lilies. Yes, gentlemen I used the term day lily and hostas. I am quiet comfortable in my man hood thank you. So know I am back. Why, because I have much to say. I hope you enjoy the posts in the weeks and months to come.
Sleepy BLD
My general starting point for any day can only be discribed as sleepy. I am in a perpetual state of sleepiness. This is surprising because I can usually get enough sleep and I really would prefere to be wide eyed and bushy tail. I would prefer to be the person that can stay awake for twenty-four hours straight, be able to carry on all nighters of drinking and fun and still manage to wake up the next morning and put in a productive day of work. However, I think those people actually do not exist and are generally referred to as "freaks". I, on the other hand, am trying to not become a freak by any stretch of the imagination. But I would like to be able to stay up a little bit longer, say eleven or midnight, and manage to not be sleepy say around 2 in the afternoon. I need shack off this sleepiness because the holidays are coming up and I am busy at work. I would like some extra stamina to stay focus on the task at hand. Fun and work, these are very important for me. I don't want to be the first person to leave a party, though when that has happen I had something planned for the next day which I had to get up for. Though I would like to be able to stay awake talking and having fun. I was able to go twenty-two hours in Seattle but that was a real pain. I felt guilty that I was so sleepy. Oh well. Humans are the only animals that do not go to sleep when they are tired. Maybe I am the smart one for acknowledging and accepting my sleepiness.
BLD Homeowner
Well it is official. I've signed a contract on my house. Yes it is the one posted in Chez BLD. Now is the fun part. Decorating!!! Well you see I am a big fan of Trading Spaces (Genevive and Amy the handy women are Hot) and I like this old house and now that I am one step closer to owning a house I want to decorate. More specifically I want to paint. I spent this past weekend at Home Depot snagging paint chips and this morning I was out at the house holding the up to the wall. For the Dining room I think I am going to go with Belgian Waffle (yellow), for the living room some shade of gray, for my bed room (the master bed room) some shade of blue, for the back open to suggestions. I am also going to work on fixing up the bathroom. That is very exciting and very manly.
I won't be moving in until next year so I will have some time to prepare. But that will be loads of fun.
Things that I am thankful for
This weekend was thanksgiving. In the spirit of giving thanks here are somethings that I am thankful for in no particular order:
College Game Day - Sleep in on Saturday morning? "Not so fast my friend"!!! A reason to wake up early on Saturday Morning even though there are no cartoons on anymore.
Google - many a times this simple search engine has kept me sane throughout trying times. Plus it helped me find a house and is an easy way to stay on top of things.
OLS - the blog that started it all. What better way to stay in touch than to read updates ever now and then.
Professor Eisle - When buying a house it is I am glad that I didn't play solitare in Property law
Swiffers - the greatest single cleaning invention of the 21st century
Listerine Breath Strips - the greatest invention for single guys in the 21st century
The Town of Brookline - an island of normalacy in an otherwise backwards state (even if you call deciding zoning maters based on feng shui normal)
Home Depot - bringers of College Game Day and most of my new household products
Battery Opperated Cookie Presses - I like power tools
The Rally Monkey - Don't believe in the monkey? Ask the San Fransisco Giants about him.
Spell Check - for obvious reasons
Seattle Chocolates - need I say more
Max 97.7 - finally a good radio station in Cincinnati/Dayton
I was going to say Charlie Weis for bringing back honor and glory to Notre Dame but they are only up by two against Stanford at the moment. But because of what he did for the dying child and at the Navy game I am still thankful for him.
My Wally Bear - many a nights I have been kept safe and warm with the wally bear which can also be used as a burka (believe me I know).
There are so many other things that I am thankful for but I don't want this post to go long. I am, of course, thankful for friends and family but I figured that they were givens so I didn't give a shout out to them.
A separate peace
This past weekend I was in Seattle for a wedding for the new T&C M. It was a lovely ceremony and no one can deny that these two are madly in love with one another. For me it was a cathartic experience in that I finally let go. Actually is was a massive headache and just bitching to the lord and god about this headache and finally saying those magic words that they were waiting to here. Let me back up. For quit some time I've been stressed out about my life. I wanted something so bad that I just got all worked up over it. It was only after I acknowledged that the things that I want take time and that things are going to be ok when I could finally relax. That happened in Seattle. I had a massive headache. Actually it felt like JC detonated a major bomb in my head to remove my tension. Whatever it was it was transforming. When I woke up the next morning I felt for the first time in some time a sense of peace. That sense of peace has lasted now for about five days. I just hope to keep it going. So I have turned the corner and have set my sails into the wind.
Chez BLD
Good evening boys and girls. Well it has been a while since my last blog. I've been rather busy. As you may know I've been looking for a house. I want to get a house because I want to own my own little piece of the world. Also I want to paint and decorate the way that I want to. Well I think I've found it. The only concern I have is whether or not I can get out of my lease. Fortunately I think I can. It is a rather nice house. It is two story two bedroom with a fire place and a nice kitchen. It also has a nice backyard perfect for a dog. This is critical because my grandparents are convinced that a dog is a major requirement for any healthy long term relationship and to attract eligible young ladies. I myself do not proscribe to this theory. Though a dog would be nice to come home to. Anywho, my house is also nicely landscaped and is in a good part of town. Actually it is in an inner suburb of Cincinnati. I just now need to slow down and make sure it is the one I want. I will visit the house again this weekend to see it in the light. So all those out there keep your fingers crossed that I am able to purchase the house and start to make a happy home.
T.O. v. C.J.
The Eagles Keyshawned T.O. That means they said "get the f280 out of town. You are a cancer on this team." I agree with this move. T.O. to put it as the sunday night crew said is a "self jerk" always has always been. He exemplifies selfishness and how it doesn't get you very far. Or it will get you far but then you will crash because you will be discovered. T.O. was the creative source of "lenord" of bud light fame. I am glad that some organization said enough we don't need this.
This leads me to my teams "playmaker". He is a fiery ball player and like T.O. celebrates after touchdowns and would prefer to get the ball all the time. But he is a team player. I give you this evidence. C.J. has congratulated every team member that has score. He even congratulated the punter after pinning Greenbay back in the fourth quarter. That is a team mate. Plus when he appeared on PTI he was very humble and sincere. So I say to Chad Johnson, learn from this. Remember we like you, don't be T.O.
BLD Who-day Who-day
BLD political machine
I was sworn in today as an attorney liscensed to practice law in the great state of Ohio. The ceremony was wonderful and very inspiring. The chief justice and the other justice went on and on about as attorney we need to serve the community. I myself am very good (almost too good) at serving others. But I am not very good at serving the community. I think that with my background the best way to serve the community is politics. Where I live could use some good leaders. For too long narrow minded, hate mongering divas have lead the city where I live into the ground. When replacing a cvs with a walgreens is considered "economic development" you know something is wrong. Prime real estate has sat vacant for far too long while our historic resources have lanquished under slum lords and "community activist". What is need is some new energy, a fresh perspective. It is for that reason that I BLD will be voting for as many people under forty as I can. I don't know who is running for city council but as long as they are under forty, they have my vote. Sure it is shallow but there are more shallow ways to vote, ie who is hot, ie who has the best sounding name, who went to my highschool or my college. These things are just as relevant as who is under forty. Besides maybe in ten or five years I might run for office. If I do I promise to do the following
Reduce crime the Guillaini way or by sending criminals to Dayton
Development is our friend, thus we need more development especially downtown and our first tier neighborhoods
Engage in an aggressive annexation program
Merge the county with the city
Public works project - build public transportation while creating jobs. Yes I am new deal democrate but I vote Republican and support Bush. (People hate Bush because he is effective, that bastard.)
Tax breaks for the wealthy because they are the ones who 1) pay taxes 2) vote 3) keep their homes nice 4) pay for things 5) spend money 6) stay out of crime (except if you watch traffic).
Tax breaks for the middle class: see above
Hud Hope VI the hell out of the housing projects
And intergrate, intergrate,intergrate Our level of racial intergration should be the best in the country instead of the worse.
So there is the brief outline of the BLD platform so everybody ask What can bld do for you
So this is BLD signing off saying vote early vote BLD
Blogging is hard to do
When I started blogging, I thought it would be a fun way to vent, air my thoughts, and otherwise do some mental dumping. I didn't realize how hard it is to keep posting. Not that I haven't had a lot to think about and I have had a lot of thoughts and feelings. But most aren't recordable either because they would disclose too much information not necessary for blogging or they are too graphic to be posted on this blog. Graphic in a sense that it would not reflect well on myself. Blogging is hard because I really haven't had enought time to dedicate to it. Also I am having a hard time motivating myself to blog. But I think that with everything slowing down I will be better able to keep everyone posted in the life of bld.
So this is BLD signing off saying good night and good blogging
BLD Esquire
Hello, As you know I have been anxiously awaiting the Ohio bar results. Well may I have the envelope please:
BLD You
PASSED!!!!!!!!!!
This means that I am an actual attorney, as compared to a fake one. I am glad that three years of hard work and three months of studying has paid off. I look forward to starting my new legal career. It will be wicked wonderful.
BLD's worry box
I created a worry box. What is a worry box? It is just an old shoe box that I've cut a hole in and placed a danger placard on. I use it to place all my deepest fears, thoughts, worries, rage, anger, upsetness, dirty deeds, dirty thoughts, mean thoughts, etc. What I do is I take a piece of paper and write. Write whatever I am feeling at the moment. Just get it down on paper and then I tear the sheat off and fold it up and place it in my worry box. I don't read it. I just write and place in the worry box. I got the idea from the Emperor's New Grove. In that movie the villian says she is going to take the king and turn him into a flea, and place the flea in a box, and then place the box in another box, and then mail it to myself and when it gets there, HIT IT WITH A HAMMER. So I created a worry box. It is filled with my worries and fears. I use it as a way to get those thoughts out of my head where they can fester and grow and make me miserable and place them somewhere else. Worrying is not fun and I don't like doing it. So I will let my worry box do its job. I just am worried that it won't work.
A child's wish.
My bosses daughter wished me luck with the bar exam today. She told her dad as she was getting on the bus "Make sure to tell BLD that I am thinking about him and the bar exam." I almost lost it as I read the email, she doesn't know me and has never met me but she still wished me luck. That is very sweet and touched me deeply. I know now that I will do ok. I have a little girl somewhere with her fingers crossed. What more could I need or ask for.
Are you Nervous?
The bar results are less than twelve hours away. Right after taking the exam I felt fairly confident that I passed. When I got back from a cruise I was still feeling ok. When I started at work and people would ask about the bar, I would say “I answered all the questions which is the most important part of the exam.”
Within the past couple of weeks the nerves have started to build up. People at work and those I talk to keep asking me “are you nervous about the bar results?” “Are you stressed?” I want to say “I wasn’t until you asked me.” I want to say with all confidence that I did past, but I won’t know for certain until 7:30 a.m. Friday Morning October 28, 2005.
But you know it isn’t the thought of passing or not passing the test that has me thinking and staying up at night. It is the passing of a period in my life. No longer am I student. I am an attorney. No longer do I have to agonize over the bar exam, the results, graduation, passing exams. I am not used to waking up in the morning and having nothing to worry about. I am thinking about my friends and what they are going through tonight. Sometimes I want to reach in and help them. But I hold back. It is only my life that I must lead. And only to live with the choices I make. But no body can adequately explain how the ripples in the pond affects us all. How one friends decision will impact others in a domino impact. It is hard to argue against letting go when we are all so interconnected. It is that which I think about at night.
No I am not nervous about the bar result, rather I am nervous that now the gate is open and the BLD can roam free. Head out into the world. And there are so many questions and challenges awaiting that it may seem a bit daunting. That is what I am nervous about.
Tick Tick Tick BLD
I just returned from seeing Tick Tick Boom, It is a musical from the guy who wrote Rent. The musical is about a guy in New York about to turn thirty. As a guy in Cincinnati who is staring at the big 30 I can relate. Actually the musical did speak to me. As I watched I considered my life. What have I done. It is kind of hard when I compare myself to my friends and family. Many have gone off to get married. The hardest part came when I went to my ten year high-school reunion. It seemed that all the women in my class were pregnant and married. I, of course, had just bought a new jeep that day and broke down and got a cell phone. I thought I was doing pretty good. This brings me back to Tick Tick Boom. What I got from the musical is that many many people struggle in life to define who they are. There are hundreds of people out there like me who ask themselves the tough questions and demands the answer from a higher power. It is the eternal quest to find a place where they belong. Whether it is on Broadway or in the no man’s land between Dayton and Cincinnati. I myself am a perpetual searcher. I’ve read and firmly believe in what is known as the Quarter Life Crises. It is a crisis of faith: faith in oneself, faith in the future, faith in just faith. The options and opportunities seem to be drying up. The clock keeps ticking ever closer to something: something unseen. 30 they say is just a milestone. A point to evaluate where you are and where do you want to go. I myself have used it as a chance to evaluate what is missing. I slowly learning to stop doing this.
The musical was very inspiring. It made me feel that I am not alone in this crazy world and that others took the time and did the thinking about this same thing. It is very comforting. I am not focused on thirty yet. I am focused on passing the bar and enjoying Halloween. I am focused on setting myself towards the wind so that it may take me where I need to go.
